How to Build Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

Self-esteem is arguably the most discussed topic in the self-improvement community, and for a good reason:

It's the foundation for personal development.

If you've been wanting to learn how to build self-esteem, you've come to the right place. Unlike other resources where you'll find "quick tips" or "hacks to boost self-esteem", I'm going to give you a full in-depth guide that contains everything you need to know.

The best part?

This comes from my personal experience.

​What are we waiting for? Let's do this!

Contents

This guide is divided into multiple chapters. Here's what I'll cover.

Chapter 1:
What is self-esteem?

Chapter 4:
Why you have low self-esteem

Chapter 2:
How low self-esteem can destroy your life

Chapter 5:
How to build self-esteem

Chapter 3:
Signs of low self-esteem

Chapter 1 : What is self-esteem?

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If you want to build self-esteem, you first have to know exactly what self-esteem is.

We're also going to address a few misunderstandings about this topic in this chapter.

First, let's define self-esteem:

according to Google, it's "confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect."

Here's another definition from the Cambridge Dictionary: "belief and confidence in your own ability and value."

I think you get the idea. Basically, self-esteem means you value yourself as a person. 

I want you to know a few things before we start:

1. Self-esteem can be improved

A lot of people seem to think that self-esteem is a game of luck. Either you have it or you don't, and that's totally false.

Self-esteem is something that can be changed and improved over time.

2. Self-esteem doesn't come from external circumstances

Many people will use their abusive parents, their unsupportive friends or bad conditions in general to justify their lack of self-esteem.

Yes, some events can destroy your self-esteem as a kid but for the most part, it's just a bunch of excuses that people use to feel better about themselves.

You know why? Because it's far easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility to change.

Basically, you shouldn't approach the problem with this mindset. You have to understand that you're a grow up now, and you need to take responsibility for your life in order to improve it. 

No amount of affection, emotional support or acknowledgment can make up for a lack of self-esteem.

It's called self-esteem because it comes from the self, from you.

3. Being arrogant doesn't mean you have high self-esteem

Same thing with confidence. I don't really know why but some people seem to mistake arrogance for confidence or high self-esteem.

​An arrogant person can actually have really low self-esteem but he's just trying to make up for it by acting like he's better than everyone else.

Valuing yourself as a person doesn't include putting others down or trying to impress other people. Actually, it's the other way around.

Chapter 2: How low self-esteem can destroy your life

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In this chapter, we're going to talk about the consequences of low self-esteem.

​Let's dive into it.

​low self esteem is like driving through life with your handbrake on
​- Maxwell Maltz

Like I said earlier, self-esteem is the foundation for personal development. Without it, you'll face a lot of unnecessary difficulties in life.

​I could go on and on about how self-esteem is important and all that, but I know that nothing beats real life examples so I'm going to throw a bunch of them here.

Sounds good? Here they are.

1. Your career will suffer

Let's say there's a really great promotion on the table, and that you want to be considered as a candidate.

Well, guess what? It's very likely that you'll never say anything about it, and that someone will get it instead. Even if you're much better at your job, you'll never get promoted.

Why?

Because you won't dare to step outside of your comfort zone and ask for that promotion. You'll be too scared to voice your opinion or ask for anything, so you'll prefer to retreat and just let it pass you by.

This is just a small example but it illustrates my point.

2. People will treat you badly

Some people won't miss the chance to bully you if they sense that you're not grounded. Be it in school, work or anywhere else, you'll be treated like a doormat.

People will ask you for unconvenient favors, delegate their work or homework to you, use you in many ways and even make fun of you.

The worst part is that you'll allow this type of behaviour because you think you don't deserve any better.

3. You'll be miserable

Honestly, your life will be quite bad. I mean how can you be happy when many people treat you like shit, when you don't even believe you're worthy of respect, and when you constantly feel like a victim of life?

​My guess is it's quite difficult to be happy under these conditions.

4. You'll miss out on so many opportunities

Because opportunities will require you to get out of your comfort zone, which is going to be difficult if you have low self-esteem.

The main reason is that you don't even think you can handle them well, so you prefer not doing anything at all.

In essence, you prefer not to play the game at all than to play and potentially lose.

Do you see how this is totally counter-productive? If you're asking why, the reason is simple: you will fail many times in life.

So if you apply this method of thinking, you'll always let great opportunities pass you by without lifting a finger. 

5. You'll never live up to your full potential

Look, no matter how fast a car can go, it will never move if the handbrake is always on.

Same thing here, the ultimate result is that you'll basically waste your entire life if you don't do something about this.

Chapter 3: Signs of low self-esteem

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If you're not quite sure whether or not you have low self-esteem, here are the signs.

1. You need validation from others

When people compliment or encourage you, you just feel great. It's like you're on top of the world. You feel like you matter.

On the other hand, if someone throws a negative comment or starts criticizing you, you instantly feel like you're worthless. The moment someone says something bad about you, you feel hurt. You feel vulnerable, and it always seems like the person who's saying the bad stuff about you is right.

The bottom line is: you need recognition from others to feel good about yourself.

2. You feel inferior to other people

Everyone seems to be doing better than you for some reason. You always feel that everyone's better than you. They seem to be way more confident, more successful and overall happier in their lives.

You also feel like you're not important enough to voice your opinion so when you're talking with friends or people you know, you refrain from saying what you think because you assume that your opinion is less valuable.

3. You always put other people before yourself

You’re waiting in a line but someone takes your place ? No problem. You have plans for the weekend but your friend always calls you for hep ? Ok, why not. You have a test tomorrow but you’re helping someone else instead of studying ? Yeah, that’s totally fine right ?

These are just some examples that take place in real life. Putting people’s needs before your own means that you’re willing to help other people even if you have important things to do just so they don’t think negatively of you.

You do this because you don't want to be seen as a 'bad person', so you gladly say yes to everyone because you're afraid to say no.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you should always put yourself first. Some situations will require you to skip a class and help someone in desperate need for help for example. However, overdoing it makes you an easy target for people to take advantage of you.

4. You beat yourself up for small mistakes

​Let’s say you went to buy a bottle of soda. So you get into the store, pick up that bottle and then head to the cashier. You slowly walk up to him, but the moment you hand him the bottle, it slips out of your hand.

You bend over to pick it up, you become red-faced and embarrassed. You’re saying to yourself “I’m such an idiot. I can’t even do this without screwing up”.

​After that, you’re too shy to even look at the cashier in the eyes because you’re way too embarrassed. You quickly hand him the cash and get out of that store and wish you’ll never come back.

This simple example illustrates my point. Every time you make a tiny mistake, you start thinking stuff like "I'm an idiot" "I'm good for nothing" "I always screw up"...etc. Basically, you're talking down to yourself.

You always torture yourself for every single mistake you make and you see them as proof that you're worthless and not good at anything.

5. You overthink what people say

When someone says something bad about you, you'll spend ages thinking about it. Even after the person who said it totally forgets about it.

6. You think you're worthless

It's self-explainatory. 

7. You settle for less than you deserve

​You settle for a mediocre quality of life even when you know you could change it.

Maybe your friends, your family, or your spouse is mistreating you, but you’re not doing anything about it. Maybe you hate your job, but you’re scared of making the shift because you feel like that’s all you deserve. Maybe you have some kind of talent or skill, but you never bother to use that potential.

Here’s what I want to say: you’re settling for mediocrity just because you think you deserve it. You don’t think you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, so you never even bother to look for a way to get there.

8. You don't know how to take a compliment

This is the most subtle sign in the list. When someone gives you a compliment, do you feel like you don't deserve it? If you do, this applies to you.

When you hold so many negative beliefs about yourself for so many years and someone gives you a compliment, it feels like you're an imposter, like you don't deserve it.

 You might even find yourself thinking: "If that person really knew me, he would be disappointed" or something along those lines.

Chapter 4 : Why you have low self-esteem

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Why do you have low self-esteem in the first place? We're going to try to answer that in this chapter.

1. You dwell on the past

"If I only could go back in time."

​I hate to break it to you, but it's impossible, and I think you know that. Constantly living in the past just because you think it was a better time for you won't make your life better. Actually, the opposite is true.

​Always looking back at "the good old days" will only make you feel a bitter feeling of nostalgia that will eventually turn into a feeling of helplessness, leading you to damage your self-esteem as a result.

2. You purposely underestimate yourself

If you always underestimate yourself, your abilities and your opinions, you'll inevitably have low self-esteem. No doubt about it.

Constantly running from adversity and thinking "No, I can't do that" isn't a good idea because over time, you'll start to believe it.

This will eventually lead to you not being able to do anything, and feeling helpless as a result. This will slowly decrease your self-esteem as a consequence.

This is both a cause and a consequence of low self-esteem. Doing this will lower your self-esteem, and having low self-esteem will make you do this.

3. You overvalue what other people think

This is also one of the reasons why you're not confident. Always taking what people say as the absolute truth will only hurt your self-esteem in the long run.

What other people say about you says more about them than it says about you.

​In most cases, this is very true. Look, most people can't give you an objective opinion. Most of them will tell you things based on their past experiences, their limiting beliefs, their fears, the way they were raised...etc.

This is especially true when we're talking about the negative stuff. Anyone who intentionally puts others down is actually the one who doesn't feel good about himself.

Now, if you take this kind of toxic person and regard what they're saying about you as the truth instead of seeing it for what it is, a desperate attempt to feel better about themselves, you'll invitably feel bad.

Not to mention tha you'll encounter many people like this in your life.

4. You always talk negatively to yourself

You give too much importance to the little mistakes you sometimes make. I get it, sometimes you just feel like a loser and I've been there.

However, talking down to yourself won't help you at all. Doing this on a regular basis will affect your self-esteem and cause you to feel like you're worthless.

Basically, doing this will make turn you into your worst enemy. Life is hard enough, and you don't need to add unnecessary difficulties and mental torture to the mix.

5. You've had bad childhood experiences

A bad experience as a child can potentially ruin your life if you don't handle it carefully.

Maybe people made fun of you, maybe you were really shy, maybe you were bullied, maybe you were rejected, maybe something more serious happened to you when you were younger.

Sometimes it takes only one bad experience to totally change your life for the worst.

The reason why childhood experiences are particularly impactful is because you're easily influenced when you're a child. At the same time, most people find it hard to change when they grow up so whatever the consequences might've been from your childhood, they'll stick with you even as you grow older.

Chapter 5: How to build self-esteem

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Now we're getting to the fun part: how to build self-esteem.

I'm going to give you some pratcical steps you can follow to build your self-esteem. Here we go.

First, check out this video. It'll give you a better idea about self-esteem and how you can improve it.

1. Become good at something

This also works for building self-confidence. If you want to build your self-esteem and start feeling better about yourself, you need to develop a skill that you're good at.

It could be anything you want. Having a skill you're good at will improve your self-esteem because you'll feel competent and skillful. You'll have something you can be proud of.

In a way, you're proving to yourself that you can learn, that you can progress and improve, that you're someone who can offer valuable skills.

Over time, you'll start seeing yourself differently, your self-limiting beliefs will slowly fade away and you'll gradually improve your self-esteem.

​To do: become good at something

2. Fully acknowledge your past mistakes

But how do you "acknowledge your mistakes", right?

Don't worry, this isn't some abstract advice you usually come across. I'll explain how you can do this.

Look, we as human being will inevitably make mistakes, and some of them will result in regret, shame or any other negative feeling that can last for years.

Unfortunately, we tend to react emotionally to this kind of situation. This leads us to stay in the same vicious cycle of toxic feelings for years, without ever doing anything about it.

So, what should you do?

Instead of feeling bad about your mistakes, you should learn the lessons from them and move on.

How?

Grab a piece of paper and write down all of the worst mistakes you did in the past that still haunt you today. Beside each one, write down the lesson you got from it.

For example, I let a lot of people take advantage of me in the past, I was a doormat. The lesson from that is that in most cases, I must put my own comfort before anyone else's needs (notice that I said in most cases. Some cases are exceptions).

To sum up, make a list of your past mistakes, and beside each mistake write the lesson that you got from it. Look at it very well, learn the lessons so that you won’t do it again, and then throw that paper for good.

Now you got the lessons, no need to feel bad again. You did your job.

To do : Make a list of your past mistakes and the lessons you learned from each one of them.

3. Use your mistakes to guide you

This is a mindset shift that you have to implement in your life. When you make a mistake, don't start thinking stuff like "I'm an idiot" "I'm wothless" or "I'm useless".

Here's how you can use your mistakes to your advantage. From now on, when you make a mistake, think about it this way "Ok, I made a mistake. What can I learn from that and how can I improve?"

For example, you hate your job. Instead of complaining or playing the victim, a more productive way of thinking could be "Ok, so I hate my job. What can I do?"

The answer could be investing in books, courses and learning profitable skills that will help you earn a side income that you'll eventually turn into a full-time job.

Do you see the difference ? The old method says “You suck” but the second method says “How can you become a better person ?”

​To do: Ask yourself "How can I improve?" instead of beating yourself up.

4. Put your own needs first

You should (in most cases) put yourself first. Put your needs first, your goals first.

Chances are if you have low self-esteem, you're putting everyone else first, and that's a problem. You have to learn to say no when you don't want to do something, whatever that other person might think of you.

Like other people, you're a human too. This means that you have feelings, goals, opinions, and plans for your life. And like anyone else, your life matters so why should you compromise your life for other people who are unlikely to do the same?

Keep in mind that some cases are exceptional but for the most part, this is very true.

To do: Say no when you don't want to do something.

5. Ditch the people who mistreat you

Maybe you have some "friends" who always disrespect you. Maybe it's someone in your family. Whatever it might be, you have to stop associating yourself with people who don't value you as a person.

​I know it may sound difficult, but staying with those people will prevent you from building your self-esteem because doing so will mean you're accepting to be treated that way.

Now you might be asking: "should I just stay alone?" and to that I'll answer: find new friends.

How?

Here are some things you could try:

• Join a club (it could be a sports club, an art club...etc). Whatever, just join a club where you'll likely find people who have the same interests.
• Contact old acquaintances. Maybe there's someone who was in your class, or maybe someone you worked with. Find some of your old contacts and see if you can befriend them.

If you don't have any problem with your social circle however, then just skip this step.

To do: Find new friends

6. Wear clothes that fit

As weird as it may sound, wearing clothes that fit you well makes you feel really good. 

To do: Wear clothes that fit.

Final note:

If you read this far, congratulations! This means that you're really committed to doing this. I want to point something out.

You just read this whole post about self-esteem, right? This means that you probably want to improve yourself. You know what? Most people in the world will never actually do this.

You have the ability to positively change, and that’s a quality that all of the people that have been putting you down will never possess, seriously.

So now that you know all this stuff, how are you going to apply this to your life? Leave a comment and let me know. I'll respond to every single one :D